I recently had the privilege of being on a conference call with Dr. John Sowers.
As an author, president of a national mentoring organization, committee member
for the White House Task Force for Fatherhood and Healthy Families, and someone
who has been named a White House Champion of Change, Dr. Sowers words carry
immediate credibility. The call was a preparatory talk in advance of our conference on the fatherless epidemic in April. We talked
of the national epidemic of fatherlessness
and its impact on society. Dr. Sowers noted that the city of Chicago has
instituted stringent gun control and other policies to curb violence. Yet,
Chicago continues to be a national leader in youth violence. Only recently
have city leaders started to unpack the idea that those involved in the
violence are often fatherless youth joining fatherless gangs shooting other
fatherless youth. Sowers says, "The root cause of this rage is often
relational brokenness." Countless men and women in our society carry
the oppressive weight of guilt, shame, regret, confusion, and isolation that
is mainly rooted in relational brokenness. Often this brokenness is birthed
from a dysfunctional or complete absent relationship with a parent. It's only
when another steps into this mentor role and reestablishes identities lost that the resiliency to find a deeper, more meaningful life emerges.
The
Y links arms with other community partners to administer the Mentoring Project. It's in this work that I've found a
common thread among fractured hearts - fatherlessness.
Just this week I sat with a wise older man who shared this: "I grew up
with a Dad, but I didn't have a strong relationship with him. I don't think
that I ever heard him say, 'I love you,' to me or my mom. That's just the way
he was. He worked hard and provided for us, but we never connected. To this
day, when I see a commercial about a deep father-son relationship, I'm in
tears. Here I am a man in my 70s still longing for that connection with
my Dad." This story is written in countless ways throughout our culture.
It's tragic. And, it's crushing our communities.
Resilience
is a powerful word. It's the ability to recover readily after a negative
experience. It's buoyancy. Whether we innately possess it, find it along our
journey or are taught it by another, resiliency is a critical component to our
health and well-being. Resiliency as the antidote to many of the maladies of
life has strong support in contemporary academia. Daniel Goleman talks
significantly about emotional resiliency in his work on emotional and social
intelligence. Brene Brown speaks
openly about shame resiliency in her latest work, Daring Greatly. And,
of course, Rocky Balboa talked about resiliency throughout his quest to find
himself.
In
Rocky I, the underdog fighter Balboa took on a great challenge and fought
valiantly without ultimate success. Throughout Rocky II, his mentor continues
to convince him that he has the capacity for more. As Rocky III begins, Balboa
surfs the crests of success and embraces the confidence that his mentor has
instilled in him. He's a unstoppable champion. However, once his mentor
suddenly passes away his confidence is lost and he is a badly beaten former
champion. Fear and self doubt wash away courage and hope and Balboa's identity
is lost. The turning point of the film is when Balboa, with the help of his
wife, stops running from his lost identity and the fear that now defines him
and instead turns to face the demons. Roosevelt said, "The credit belongs
to the man... who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again;
because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually
strive to do the deed; ...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high
achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring
greatly." Balboa found the triumph of high achievement as well as the
resiliency to get back in the arena after failure. His mentor taught him this.
Some say that kids have a great ability to be resilient so that when dad checks out, they can simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps and be ok. This rarely happens without someone sacrificially investing themselves into the child's life. Consider this recent interview with former Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson:
Katie Couric: Why were you
violent toward everybody?
Mike Tyson: I don’t know. I
hated myself and I just wanted someone else to feel that pain…. I was just
trying to bridge the gap between who I was and who I wanted to be… Cus
[Tyson's mentor] was the only father figure I ever had [Cus passed away when
Tyson was a teenager]...
When fathers are absent, the soul suffers.
When relationships are broken and people are isolated the heart withers. As
others step into our lives and affirm our God-given identities, souls are
resurrected, hearts come alive, and lives are transformed. Mentoring matters. The
challenges of life can quickly submerse us and we're left longing to breathe.
Our buoyancy is found when another offers an outstretched hand and pulls us to
the surface. Bob Goff says, "God never looked in your mirror and
wished He saw someone else." As we discover that truth, our capacity for
resiliency grows, born in relationships with others.
I hope that you'll join us as we welcome
Dr. Sowers on April 6 for a keynote address entitled "Curing the Epidemic:
Rewriting the Story of the Fatherless Generation." For more information or
to register, go to www.justshowingup.org.
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